DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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