he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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