Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.