I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
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Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.