coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.