Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
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this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist