so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
