i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
