I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about youâ€
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