Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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