Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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