So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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