Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
