No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
