I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
