the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.