So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize