I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
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I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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