Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
