My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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