Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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