Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
