I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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