I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
this hospital has no fireball
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"