New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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