Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
