my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.