Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Who died my cat blue again?