she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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