If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.