I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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