is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
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I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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