There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex