Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
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Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies