so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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