i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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