you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?