the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus