My sheets look like a crime scene.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
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I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all