An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex