The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
