did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
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Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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