You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother