i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
