Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
