Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm having to shit out rocks
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