dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
