so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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