I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
