remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
