I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize