it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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