UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
