I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
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I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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