He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
