Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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