guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
