So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my sisters under your porch take her home
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
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I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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