I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
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I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
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He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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